december chill

Foreword...

I have long wanted to post this blog...amidst all technical and natural constraints beyond my control... (malfunctioning PC, hectic work schedule and pre-occupation from some "personal" issues).

I have long entitled it "december chill"...for around three weeks now...its conception period...

If I write it later than today...i will have to change everything to "january resolutions"...which I consider inappropriate for my feelings right now...

I have nature and events revolving around "my world" now...in uplifting me to write...

On the context that my feelings will be well understood by the readers and that they somewhat relate to scenarios and feelings described... I share to you...

"december chill"

i travel early at dawn...going to work
i travel late at night...coming from work (and other extra-curricular activities)
i travel around two to three hours each, to and from my given schedules...
i live in the suburbs...
simple living, simple rythym.
i work in the overly populated business district.
where buildings don't move...
and people merely nod at each other...
two distinct environments...
two distinct times.

between the two scenarios i have mentioned...places and times involved in my daily activity...
one common factor is always there...a living witness to my routine...
mother nature.
yes...mother nature.

i go to work...feelin' the wind always kissin' my face the moment i exit the door of my humble abode... i feel the wind envelope my whole physical being from hair strands to the tip of my toes... creating in me a chilly feeling... and yes, i know, it is december.

i hear the leaves from the trees i pass by...creating a symphony of orchestrated rhythm... the nocturnal insects that serve as vocals to the beat of the leaves...truly...a magnificent work of mother nature... nothing can beat their natural talents...really...not even Vivaldi, Bach or Beethoven... all are but natural talents... they are always on schedule at the same venue... the road going home.

i breath in the cool december wind...it penetrates my whole system...it brings chill into my warm physical structure, up to the last vein of my body... i leave home and it follows me to work as i open and peep into the 12th floor window...i know, it is december.
the northern atmosphere brings the cold wind into the tropics... and it usually does... every december.

the sky above me at night is such a wonderful sight...i look at it every single night...stargazing...
i could observe the thin white clouds amidst the darkness that surrounds the whole Philippine sky...they move like smoke from a newly-puffed cigar...funny, but, i cannot really think of any other fitting description of the clouds (you may observe them also for confirmation and clarity)... or is it just due to my newly-resurrected cigarette smoking? Whatever... I believe my description justifies the fact that the clouds truly move that way.

Star-wishing...I always search for the biggest and brightest star...always making the "same wish"...every single night. Sometimes, I wonder...can my "wishing star" still accommodate me... because I know, for a fact, there are millions around the world staring and wishing at THAT very same STAR too...though, I have not seen it fall yet (they say you must wish upon a shooting or falling star for your dreams to come true).

And...the chilly December wind helps me further convince "that star" to grant my wish...
Tranquility, happiness and love...to live the rest of my remaining life with HIM, whom all throughout my life...I have been waiting and longing for... a LOVE that would warm and comfort the "december chill" in me.

In between dawn and night time...when the sun is shining...I view nature at its best...in my home's laundry and cooking area...Funny again...but, I made it sure, when the house was constructed...that there was a full view of the ricefield, the two grown mango trees, trees from the nearby resort...and the "i don't know how old they are now" cows - around 3 of them..I really experience a "short-term" serenity staring at them...especially when flocks of farm birds alternately pass through the rice fields...Thank God...I am one with nature...

But, I always look and wait for my "white butterfly"...since Mama died, she seemed to be represented by the "white butterfly"...and whenever it flies around me...I talk to her...seeking guidance...seeking wisdom. December, it rarely flies around...but, I saw it this morn, and the more I was convinced to write this blog. Mama has always been supportive of my hidden passion for writing and expressing (or sharing) my self to the whole world...a great loss to me.
And, I would write a separate blog dedicated to her...as I have scheduled some other blogs too...in dedication to other important people in my life.

I am in the most "chilling" moment of my life right now, a stage...a season...where I seemed to be "frozen"... my life, my feelings, my whole entity...it's december...the season goes with my feelings... I have longed for HIM...to melt away the ice...and that star, bit by bit...is shedding some light, giving some hope...and making me realize and see...my "december chill" will soon be gone...with HIS presence in my life...HE will warm my December nights...


post script: For Michael...Thank you. I love you.

Full Moon...Empty Feelings...Completeness

I walked by the streets of Makati...to take a ride going to the Cafe.

I noticed the Full Moon above me...so grand...so serene...so bright...so Full.

With this glimpse of its majesty over the earth...I felt so diminutive compared to its size.. I felt my heart shrink into microscopic size...

I always associate myself with the moon...perhaps since I was a little girl, moonwatching has been part of my daily routine...i estimated it's time of completeness (without referring to the Lunar Cycle seen in Chinese Calendars). I felt somewhat lonely and empty when it's not around... to shine it's total radiance on me and light the path where i should go.

I continued walking and thinking and listening to some mellow tunes over my cellphone radio...somewhat catching glances from people whose paths i crossed with during my walk... I just don't know if I reflect some sort of transparent aura that I find people not only take a glance at me...but, some even stare at me! What's in me worth staring? Are they deciphering my thoughts...Are they seeing something in me that I am not aware of? Just like the moon... I guess I reflect something in other people... A reflection of themselves, maybe. The moon reflects an image of the earth in its emptiness...

Once, aboard the bus going home at night, I fell asleep unknowingly...only to wake up with the man beside me... staring at me...not just glancing. Fear enveloped me...but, I thought, maybe, he is just fascinated by the sight of a sleeping and serene creature beside him...just like my moonwatching... I just shrugged off my shoulders.

Life is a cycle...emptiness...fullness...emptiness...fullness...

Right now...I feel so empty. I thought of the moon.

My moon...to COMPLETE ME.

My moon...to LIGHT UP MY PATH.

My moon...to BRIGHTEN UP THE DARKNESS THAT ENVELOPES ME.

My moon...to BE WITH ME IN THE CYCLE OF LIFE.

My moon...my guide in life... I AM AT A TOTAL LOST...when I don't see YOU...

I feel so empty...so incomplete...so lost in the dark.

I NEED YOU....TO COMPLETE ME.

Just like the Full Moon this evening...

... I need you in my life.

In Memoriam...Primitivo Castillo Padilla

We called him “Tiyong”…. The Tagalog (Philippine word) for uncle. He was Primitivo Castillo Padilla, my Mama’s stepfather…whom I considered as my Grandfather.

His marble tombstone indicated date of birth as December 16, 1917 and date of demise as December 5, 1978…and so, it goes…it is his 30th Death Anniversary this year… and I am dedicating this blog entry for him…In memoriam.

Stories told to me by Mama never left my memory…their real father, Leoncio Leonardo ( a street in our locality was named after him, L. Leonardo Street), died when Mama was three and aunt Aida around seven. Leoncio died due to a lingering illness. That left my beautiful grandmother, Benita, to solely care for her two beautiful daughters…until Primitivo came into their lives. He worked at the Pasay City marketplace and was a known figure there (he did every job there is in the marketplace – an industrious man, I must say)…and was said to have come from the island of Cebu. My grandma Benita and “Tiyong,” to cut the long story short, lived in together, bought a house which until now stands still (with major renovations)...and were gifted with two children, Aunt Cora (my fave aunt) and Tito Alain (my fave and ONLY uncle, you see, even in my paternal side, I have only aunts…Dad was the only boy). “Tiyong” was a very caring stepfather to Mama and Aunt Aida…tending to the needs of his family…and a very neat and well-groomed man.

I remembered growing up with “Tiyong” around the house…looking out in our window to see him approaching the gate…as a very excited little girl, I always waited for the “goodies” he brought me every single day of my childhood…candies, toys, pastries…without missing a day… and these words, “Gidget, dapat mabait ka lagi, ha, Ineng, para may pasalubong ako sa iyo lagi” (Gidget, you should be very good always, Ineng [another Tagalog word for little girl], so that I will bring you goodies always.). Though the “pasalubongs” were but tangible and superficial representations of Tiyong’s thoughtfulness and love…without doing so, I felt he truly loved his entire family…including me, being a step granddaughter, he treated me as his own. I never saw him civil or indifferent towards my Mama, even after my grandma Benita died in 1972. He was my perfect grandfather. I got some scolding and spanking from him too…but, after those bouts..he would explain to me reasons why he did so, and which, at the early stages of my life… I understood to accept my own mistakes.

1978…I was ten. “Tiyong” was brought to the Philippine Veterans’ Hospital (He was a war veteran). He was confined there due to some problems with his internal organs. I remembered seeing my Mama and Aunt Cora crying. I could not ask the reason why they were crying… all I remembered was the feeling of disbelief and grief on my part as a young girl… even then, I have felt what they were feeling as adults. I never showed them though, I cried alone in the toilet (my favorite place of grief, until now). I celebrated my 10th Birthday with “Tiyong” still around. They discharged him from the hospital already, but he was very, very weak…Mama concomitantly took care of the very ill “Tiyong” while she worked at a cigarette factory. Mama must have loved him so much as her own very own father. As the days went by, “Tiyong’s” medical condition worsened, calling on Doctors to check him and give medical treatment every now and then… and everytime those Docs went to see “Tiyong,” I would go to the image of Our Mother of Perpetual Help, to whom he was a devotee, and would beg her to tell Jesus not to let “Tiyong” die. When he felt better, I also felt better…funny thing.

Two weeks after my birthday, “Tiyong” called me to his room, I still remembered the foul smell of his “first aid” medication which he applied to my and my cousin Dino’s wounds whenever we had some cuts and scratches or bruises… coconut oil mixed with pounded garlic (traditional medicine!). He asked me what gift do I want for Christmas… I was amazed… I wanted to tell him, “for you to live forever and see me grow up and still guide me in life as your very own granddaughter”… but, words wouldn’t come out from my mouth… I was taken aback. He told me, “I know what to give u for Christmas…a dress! But, you should wear it!” (He knew I hated girly dresses! I preferred pants and t-shirts, rubber shoes than girls’ shoes)… What can I say? Words were put into my mouth… I remembered smiling back at him. He was becoming weaker each passing day, and a week prior his demise, he handed me a plastic bag with a gift in it…With all the proud words, “I personally chose and bought this for you, Gidget.” I knew what it was…my dress! Infront of him, as he requested, I opened the gift and found this very girly pinkish-peach dress with floral design in the fabric (white roses)…The first thought that crossed my young mind was, “Oh! My God! I’m not going to wear this stuff!”… but, I took a glance at him, and he was very happy to see me holding the dress… he told me to go to my Mama and had the dress fitting session then… The dress was quite small for me, honestly…but, a dying man’s wish is everyone’s command…so let it be. I fitted the dress and when he saw me in it… those words, I still remember, “You are so beautiful, Ineng (little girl)…” That made him happy…the last smile I ever saw on his face.

December 5, 1978…Dino and me were watching Sesame Street and were playing. “Tiyong” went down from his room and went straight to the toilet…he had some personal cleaning done, I supposed, and went out of the toilet wearing his new sando and pajama, combed his hair too. I remembered he touched my hair and Dino’s…then proceeded to the sofa to watch TV with us. After a while, we noticed he was unusually quiet. We talked to him, he did not reply, but his eyes were open wide…this time, he wasn’t staring at the TV, but his eyes were fixed towards the stairs going up to the second floor of our house. We shook him, no response…we even giggled. There was only Dino and me, and I am the older kid at 10 (Dino was 9)… I called up Mama who was then at work and told her everything…I got the first shock of my life…my first remorse… “Tiyong” was dead…he just died in my and my cousin’s arms. I cried and felt heavy.

Three decades after that sad December 5 event, I still feel the pain inside…losing someone you love and respect… I still cry when I remember that sad event… and until now, the dress is still with me…the last memoirs of “Tiyong.” I never intend to throw away that “gift”… I would pass that dress on to my lucky daughter…for her to hear the words, “You are so beautiful, Ineng…” coming from a grandfather who meant every word he said…and until now, reverberates back to me.

“Tiyong’s” pasalubongs, the dress and all other things he shared in his entire life with me were just mere representations of his tender loving care for a little granddaughter he treated as his own… they can never be erased from my memory and feelings…including the pain of losing him.

Life went on for me… more “Tiyong”s who came and passed away. I was prepared…

Primitivo Castillo Padilla…”Tiyong”….you are in my heart always…

Your step granddaughter, your “Ineng”…your little Gidget.

At 40...

This is the very first blog i have ever made...

I don't even know how to organize my thoughts, how to handle the details that springs out of my mind...to say the most of it...I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO....

I have chosen the title "At 40..." simply because I am now living the 40th year of my life (I just dunno what is the life expectancy rate of my descendants - but, one thing i know...my mom died at the age of 54 and her aunt at the age of 100...so with the said assumptions, i must still have at least or between 14 to 40 years of existence in this earth)...preferring the latter..of course.

I have not pondered much on life, per se, since i live a very busy life...i envy the beeeesss... they only have one purpose: being busy to serve the Queen...to feed her. I wish i only have one "Queen Bee" to serve.... But, that defies the purpose of my existence... I am a wife, a mother, a lover, a daughter, a niece, a public servant, a friend, an enemy... whatever there is to define "me"... the list goes on....

These thoughts conquered my mind last 5th of November 2008...exactly on my 40th year.

No fancy celebration (I deliberately discouraged the thought of everybody around me to celebrate) although i could not refuse gifts... I have NOT reached the summit of happiness... I must say.

When I was ten (10), 1978 ... I remembered being "Miss Curious"... Asking a lot of questions, experimenting on plants and animals - cutting the leaves of Mama's ornamental plants and slicing them into two just to look at how they are structured (I did not end up being a botanist, though); only to discover that they almost look like the same...catching roaches (YES!!!! you heard it right!!! roaches!!!)... holding them through their whiskers... sorry if i may sound yucky!!!! but..that's what i did!!!!...and the roaches thing...in collaboration with my cousin, Dino (who's then 9), we tried to inject them with water to see if they would bloat... VERY VERY FUNNY MEMORIES!!!! I enjoyed being 10.

At twenty (20), 1988... Oh!!!! In college, i bloomed... I was a junior then... majored in Marketing, enjoying every moment of triumph...academically speaking (we were regarded to as "the Creme of the Crop")... suitors... nice guys... one boyfriend...nothing more... i was stuck only with one guy at that time...no polygamous practice (until now)!!...Earned my own allowance through writing for the College Paper.... later to find out, i got grammatical errors then (well, I'm not an English major...that should exempt me from the general rules of sentence construction, usage of words...etc..). I cherised being 20.

In 1998, I was thirty (30)... A secret kept hidden... I was a late bloomer... I had so much in life.. pain, suffering, joy, laughter....what have you! I looked fulfilled (but...looked only...). Good (but not great!) career, confident look, stable (i thought it was a stable!) lovelife that was just blossoming... but, less my Mama on the picture... I lost her 6 years before my 30th birthday. I was uncertain at 30.

November 5, 2008... I turned forty (40)...I am thankful I still have the glow of my 30's... and have reverted my ageing... I was thinking of re-living my life.... I thought of how the pain and sorrow of being a wife and a mother have molded me to accept reality...and reality bites... and I have learned to bear it graciously.. I have sooooo many people in this world to share my life and my time and my work and my whole total self with.... but, would it lead to a common purpose? Would it lead to MY PERSONAL PURPOSE? I do not mean to sound selfish (or am I being one now?).. but, sometimes, I thought I have given soooo much of myself to the world that I forgot all about my existence... my own happiness. At 40, I am beginning to make brave, life-turning and bold decisions..... including the fulfillment of my happiness... to be with someone I TRULY LOVE and someone WHO WOULD LOVE ME AS I AM (a lingering question of WHO? )... I will have to face the world now... I have to be true to myself, not to others... and I am now living each day of my life looking forward to that fulfillment...

At 40.... LIFE BEGINS.