At 40...

This is the very first blog i have ever made...

I don't even know how to organize my thoughts, how to handle the details that springs out of my mind...to say the most of it...I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO....

I have chosen the title "At 40..." simply because I am now living the 40th year of my life (I just dunno what is the life expectancy rate of my descendants - but, one thing i know...my mom died at the age of 54 and her aunt at the age of 100...so with the said assumptions, i must still have at least or between 14 to 40 years of existence in this earth)...preferring the latter..of course.

I have not pondered much on life, per se, since i live a very busy life...i envy the beeeesss... they only have one purpose: being busy to serve the Queen...to feed her. I wish i only have one "Queen Bee" to serve.... But, that defies the purpose of my existence... I am a wife, a mother, a lover, a daughter, a niece, a public servant, a friend, an enemy... whatever there is to define "me"... the list goes on....

These thoughts conquered my mind last 5th of November 2008...exactly on my 40th year.

No fancy celebration (I deliberately discouraged the thought of everybody around me to celebrate) although i could not refuse gifts... I have NOT reached the summit of happiness... I must say.

When I was ten (10), 1978 ... I remembered being "Miss Curious"... Asking a lot of questions, experimenting on plants and animals - cutting the leaves of Mama's ornamental plants and slicing them into two just to look at how they are structured (I did not end up being a botanist, though); only to discover that they almost look like the same...catching roaches (YES!!!! you heard it right!!! roaches!!!)... holding them through their whiskers... sorry if i may sound yucky!!!! but..that's what i did!!!!...and the roaches thing...in collaboration with my cousin, Dino (who's then 9), we tried to inject them with water to see if they would bloat... VERY VERY FUNNY MEMORIES!!!! I enjoyed being 10.

At twenty (20), 1988... Oh!!!! In college, i bloomed... I was a junior then... majored in Marketing, enjoying every moment of triumph...academically speaking (we were regarded to as "the Creme of the Crop")... suitors... nice guys... one boyfriend...nothing more... i was stuck only with one guy at that time...no polygamous practice (until now)!!...Earned my own allowance through writing for the College Paper.... later to find out, i got grammatical errors then (well, I'm not an English major...that should exempt me from the general rules of sentence construction, usage of words...etc..). I cherised being 20.

In 1998, I was thirty (30)... A secret kept hidden... I was a late bloomer... I had so much in life.. pain, suffering, joy, laughter....what have you! I looked fulfilled (but...looked only...). Good (but not great!) career, confident look, stable (i thought it was a stable!) lovelife that was just blossoming... but, less my Mama on the picture... I lost her 6 years before my 30th birthday. I was uncertain at 30.

November 5, 2008... I turned forty (40)...I am thankful I still have the glow of my 30's... and have reverted my ageing... I was thinking of re-living my life.... I thought of how the pain and sorrow of being a wife and a mother have molded me to accept reality...and reality bites... and I have learned to bear it graciously.. I have sooooo many people in this world to share my life and my time and my work and my whole total self with.... but, would it lead to a common purpose? Would it lead to MY PERSONAL PURPOSE? I do not mean to sound selfish (or am I being one now?).. but, sometimes, I thought I have given soooo much of myself to the world that I forgot all about my existence... my own happiness. At 40, I am beginning to make brave, life-turning and bold decisions..... including the fulfillment of my happiness... to be with someone I TRULY LOVE and someone WHO WOULD LOVE ME AS I AM (a lingering question of WHO? )... I will have to face the world now... I have to be true to myself, not to others... and I am now living each day of my life looking forward to that fulfillment...

At 40.... LIFE BEGINS.